running reverie |
6.12.2005
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers, Asleep … tired … or it malingers, Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me. Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed, Though I have seen my head brought in upon a platter, I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter; I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid. And would it have been worth it, after all, After the cups, the marmalade, the tea, Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, Would it have been worth while, To have bitten off the matter with a smile, To have squeezed the universe into a ball To roll it toward some overwhelming question, To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead, Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— If one, settling a pillow by her head, Should say: “That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all.” And would it have been worth it, after all, Would it have been worth while, After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets, After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor— And this, and so much more?— It is impossible to say just what I mean! But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: Would it have been worth while If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl, And turning toward the window, should say: “That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all.” maybe. i like how everything i could have ever felt has all ready been written. it almost makes writing new poetry seem redundant. i suppose that's the human condition for you ... but then, i've all ready decided doing stuff is the human condition. anyways, thank you, t.s. eliot. I should have been a pair of ragged claws Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. () 6.09.2005
2.14.2005
Behold the way our fine feathered friend,
His virtue doth parade Thou knowest not, my dim-witted friend The picture thou hast made Thy vacant brow, and thy tousled hair Conceal thy good intent Thou noble upright truthful sincere, And slightly dopey gent You're my funny valentine, Sweet comic valentine, You make me smile with my heart. Your looks are laughable, un-photographable, Yet, you're my favorite work of art. Is your figure less than Greek? Is your mouth a little weak? When you open it to speak, are you smart? But, don't change a hair for me. Not if you care for me. Stay little valentine, stay! Each day is Valentine's Day Is your figure less than Greek? Is your mouth a little weak? When you open it to speak, are you smart? But, don't change a hair for me. Not if you care for me. Stay little valentine, stay! Each day is Valentine's Day it's so cheesy, but i love this song XP ella fitzgerald rocks my socks. () 1.29.2005
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music ... and of aviation. - Tom Stoppard
() 1.20.2005
y'know, i just had a thought. if i had all the papers and all the notebooks and all the backpacks and pencils and rulers i've ever used in one room, then i would probably drown in them.
i've been blogging less, since i realized that my posts were getting rather pointless and inane, and yet i felt the need to post that. huh. homework time. () 1.03.2005
1.01.2005
12.25.2004
12.23.2004
y'know, if muses are scary, muses with babies are even scarier.
"what the hell's wrong with me? you don't cry when your mom holds you. you're practically ecstatic when that creep holds you. but all i try to do is pick you up, and you're wailing like a police siren by a crackhouse!" in a few years (well ... a few months, given the way this plotline seems to be working) i predict there's going to be a little kid asking a lot of questions like, 'mommy, what's a crackhouse?' () 12.22.2004
i don't think i like the concept of 'true love' as much as i used to. it seems to imply that all other kinds of love are somehow false.
() 12.19.2004
seems like part of the point of being a teenager is to talk about all the awesome stuff you're never going to do. by the time you grow up, you haven't done it all ready.
() 12.18.2004
i need something productive to do.
i know! anime wallpapers! (hey, there's a product, it's productive. i meditate in odd ways.) () 12.17.2004
one thing i really need from livejournal, tho', is the ability to cut posts for randomness. but then i'd be cutting every single post, so never mind. i really should do my christmas shopping. like, soon. before christmas is over.
byzantine: *dressed in this soft, velvet sort of red trench coat with a high mandarin collar -- an art deco swirl at the clasp and raising from the tails, matching the swirls on his black gloves and at the toes of his bllack boots -- and meandering in the door of simon's house, carrying an outrageously huge bouquet of strange, white flowers, leaves unspiralling and in his other hand, somewhat carelessly, a nice wrapped little bag of chocolates. the chocolates are decorated with little bat demon-wings, or little spiked demon-tails curving around in a swirl, or plain old stars. knocks rather impatiently at the door, periodically stopping to realize he sounds too needy, glancing sheepishly off to a side, waiting for a few seconds, then knocking impatiently again* wreck: *answers the door much, much later, leaning casually in the doorway* hey. byzantine: *blanches, startled, but quickly recovers, putting on an innocent smirk* you old bastard. long time, no see -- no one kill you yet? wreck: *beams* not for lack of trying. well ... *pauses, considering* mostly for lack of trying. i don't make nearly as many new enemies as i used to, these days, or else simon isn't letting them anywhere near me. byzantine: *grins* old enemies'll do. i'm sure you've got plenty of them. wreck: plenty. *grins back* what about you? no one tried to kill you yet? i know you'd be disappointed to be losing your touch. byzantine: are you kidding? it's my busy season. people're never touchier. it's all family, friends, and finances, pushy costumers and frustrated salesmen, parties to plan, people to cook for, lights to put up and so many ways to go wrong. and then there's the weather. wreck: 'tisn't the season to be merry? byzantine: hey, i'm merry when everyone else is miserable. wreck: *laughs* really? everyone else? byzantine: everyone possible. it is my busy season. wreck: *head-tilt* so those're what the flowers of wrath and discord look like? byzantine: *puzzled* ... what? wreck: the bouquet. isn't it for simon? *smiles, sweetly* if you're so busy making everyone else miserable, it must be his turn, right? you can't forget your loved ones, especially during the holidays. byzantine: *strained little smirk* you can't assume they're for simon. wreck: i'm not assuming, i'm asking. *grin* are they? byzantine: *sheepish* ... there're chocolates, too. wreck: poison? byzantine: belgian. decadent, expensive and ... smuggled illegally. in a flight to a random country, for no reason in particular, just to slow down airport security. wreck: really? byzantine: *hesitates* ... home-made. *looks away* i didn't have anything better to do. wreck: *ironic smirk* lucky. how'd you find the time in your busy season? byzantine: ... i just had some chocolate left over, that's all. left over from ... evil plots. evil and sinister. wreck: and lemme guess -- you thought, "maybe simon'd like this ..." byzantine: *starting to blush* think of the calories! wreck: isn't that sweet. or at least semi-sweet, as far as flavor goes. *outright teasing* you're trying to make someone happy. byzantine: *red as his coat* ... look at the time. *doesn't have the watch* i gotta fly -- busy season, y'know ... *slowly backing up, then tosses the flowers & chocolates at wreck and makes a run for it ... oh, those zany muses. ()
one cool thing about blogger vs. livejournal is blogger's very low-maintenance. i don't have to worry about if i wanna title this particular post anything or pick a particular mood or quote a particular song. with livejournal, you have all those options, and you just gotta use 'em.
trey loves his livejournal, tho'. the flake. ()
feel like crap. but not enough to rant poetically about it and the pitiful nature of the human condition, so that's good. and i swear, i didn't want to continue the age-old tradition of only posting at my blog when something upsets me, but i just needed to vent. but not really.
i really stopped posting as often at my blog when i started storing up all the important things to tell nara when she asked me "how are you?" at the end of the day. but i've been overloaded with homework all week, and storing stuff up for too long, so all the important stuff just gets lost. i write some of it down, but, y'know. then i look back at it and it's just kind of stupid. "don't stay up late?" what the hell? it's not like i have anything to wake up for tomorrow. but that's vague, so anyways. in later news, i've managed to come out of the other side of different teenage identiy crises by deciding i'm whatever i happen to be at the moment. sometimes i'm bitchy, and sometimes i'm sweet, and sometimes i'm slow, and sometimes i'm brilliant, and sometimes i'm shy and sometimes i'm not and it all depends, really, on when and where and how and what the weather happens to look like. but it's all the same. and if i hate myself, for being selfish or thoughtless or lazy, i don't really hate myself -- i hate the selfishness and thoughtlessness and laziness, which i embodied for the moment, but that moment's gone and i'm all ready someone else who just might be selfless and thoughtful and a-little-less-lazy-than-usual. i don't really hate who i was, either, because that's all past, and i only exist in the present, which we all know there's no time like. which makes no sense. but it's all really simple in my head. and of course, when i say, 'i'm not ticklish,' it means i'm not ticklish at the moment. yeah, my ticklishness comes and goes. it's kind of weird. i think it's a workable philosophy. () 12.02.2004
sounds good to me XP but boredom, horror and glory can be beautiful. so can ugliness. () 12.01.2004
everyone around me seems to be dying ... it's kinda depressing.
(but they're not really dying, so that's good.) () 11.27.2004
i am such a dork. because i want you all to realize how much of a dork i am, i'll show you what i was doing instead of my homework today ...
now this is a story i know you all know not so far away but so long ago a boy was born to a muse and a king and boy, that boy sure knew how to swing he was the coolest cat in all of Thrace the sharpest brother any place he was Apollo on the lyre and Pan on the pipes he outdid the sirens and didn't think twice and when he put his voice to song the stones had to roll and rock along 'cos when he played the trees all swayed birds tapped their feet to the crazy beat there wasn't a chance a thing couldn't dance with old boy Orpheus center stage .... now Eurydice was one swinging chick from her littlest finger to her hippest hip and it doesn't take the gods above to see old boy Orpheus was in love 'Eurydice, won't you be my bride? we can shake this scene and jump this jive every sheik needs his sheba, every sheba her shiek make me the happiest fella in alla greece.' so what's a girl gonna say? each new love song made all the trees sway including the one on their wedding day and old boy Orpheus was center stage ... now love ain't love because it's easy and legends ain't legends 'til they're tragedies no, it don't seem fair, it don't seem just but some things just happen -- some things just must they weren't man and wife for more than an hour they weren't even thinking 'bout their first baby shower when poor missus Orpheus made her last mistake took a walk out to the field and ran into a snake that cruel old snake, it brought her down wedding smiles turned to funeral frowns the trees'll weep right next to the birds put away the bells, we need a dirge and for old boy Orpheus to be center stage ... now we all know, that ain't the way old boy Orpheus likes to play and it wasn't so much that he couldn't believe as he wasn't about to let his true love leave he'd heard of a joint -- and so've you -- where the only thing they play's the blues the lights are low, smoke fills the air you drink moonshine and Lethe and forget your cares and if you're hip to this final scene you might meet the Big Boss and his lovely Queen but you can't come out -- that must be said -- the bouncer's a beast, he only lets in the dead but old boy Orpheus, he didn't care he took his lyre and a winding stair down and down and down he braved into that awful, echoing cave he put that bouncer right to sleep 'cos music soothes ev'ry kind of beast and through the dark and smoke he roamed singing for his bride to be brought home it didn't take long 'til word got around or for the Big Boss's goons to hunt him down they put old boy Orpheus center stage ... now, the Boss looked him down, he looked him up said, 'see here, son, enough's enough. i know it's sad, and i know it's hard, for anyone -- man or bard -- to lose a bride still in her youth and to you this might sound uncouth but me, i've got a job to do. mortals die, you know that's true. men and women, young and old, kind and cruel, meek and bold, shepherds, kings, squares and cats and not a one can i send back. 'so go on, kid, while you're still alive you can find another wife. the dead stay dead, the living gotta live and that advice is all you're gonna get.' but Orpheus took center stage old boy Orpheus struck his lyre and sang. 'now i ain't the kind of cat to ignore the past i know i ain't the first and i won't be the last to lose life to love and love to death we all owe you our every breath while we're young, we jump, we swing we think of other gods and sing we live for the party, we live for the dance we play our music loud and fast but we know, we know, no dance is eternity no beat can catch any part of infinity and in the end every song belongs to you, the lord beyond all songs and one day, you can have my life one day you can have my wife but not today -- it's too soon it's too soon i see Demeter's daughter next to you ain't there love in Hades, too?' he sang with passion the dead had forgot with everything they'd ever lost for the first time, Sisyphus could rest and even the Furies wept 'it's too soon -- it's too soon -- ain't there love in hell, too?' ain't there love in your heart, too? when old boy Orpheus was center stage .... now the Big Boss had to hide his tears sure, his heart hardened with the years but his old heart cracked when he looked back remembering things that youth could do and that he once was a lover, too 'have Eurydice -- have your bride -- from now on she's at your side. don't look for her 'til the sun hits your eyes -- one look back and you can say goodbye. just keep walking 'til the end, and then you'll be together again.' and Orpheus, he gave his thanks, now was the time to take the stage ... and around here there'd be a saxaphone solo ... XP ()
i'm so glad my characters take weird things into stride, or else they'd never get up in the morning.
() 11.26.2004
11.21.2004
() 11.18.2004
i'd just like to say i'm happy i have friends who i can go to chuckie cheese's and spend an hour scurrying around like hamsters in the playpace and taking goofy photobooth pictures with XP
() 11.03.2004
there's nothing on the news i want to see anymore.
(it's not bush. it's the people who elected bush. it's the people who voted in eleven out of eleven states to ban gay marriage. it's the guy at school who tried to beat up my friend for carrying a "vote kerry" sign. it's all the damn ignorance and all the damn hatred and all the damn people who run this damn country i'm too young to have any part in, and if i did, it wouldn't matter. i've never felt so pathetic and small, and never had it mean so much. i don't know whether i should feel stupid for crying over this, and for whining in my blog instead of working on my novel or doing homework, but i just want to get out of here. my girlfriend had some funny things to say when i called her, though. that was nice.) () 10.27.2004
i had this really nifty dream, which made me happy, since i haven't been able to remember my dreams lately, because of stress or something, or something. it was even niftier because it was all about two crews of warring space pirates on a treasure hunt, who both ended up crashing on a planet that was a complex system of waterways with very little land in-between. naturally, they were space pirates, and thus knew nothing about navigating the open seas, and since they were rivals they were constantly at each other's throats, making matters worse. but then there's our hero -- the sweet, guileless native boy, who'd been a sailor all his life and, as fate would have it, found an important key to the treasure hunt in the flotsam and jetsam from the crash and kept it, thinking it only a pretty coin with a dragon in it. when the pirates found him, there was the tumult and arguing over who'd get the key once they stole it back, giving the boy the chance to escape on the nearest powerboat before the pirates realized he was gone. utterly clueless about the controls, the pirates stole a random boat, and chased after him. hilarity and chaos ensued. the boy hid in his secret cave, where (again, as fate would have it) the captain of one of the crews (who was the only one to dress every bit as an old-fashioned pirate, except for the shades, and would only be known as 'the captain') washed up after the crash. the boy aproached him, concerned, until the captain actually started to wake up, and the boy freaked out and tried to run away. but no sooner than he got to the powerboat, the rest of the pirates landed (or rather crashed) into it.
sick of the chase and figuring they could argue later, the pirates just wanted to kill the boy (or at least knock him out) and take the key. but the captain, even if he was a little groggy from being woken up, saw the benefit of having a native along, and let him keep the coin. and so the journey began. since the boy was so sweet and guileless, and didn't recognize he was only tempting cutthroat pirates, he repeatedly offered to let someone else carry the coin, if they really wanted it that badly. (and since he'd read plenty of fisher's almanacs and fancied himself an expert on the stars and astrology, he told the captain, "you're more of a dragon than i am, so you should take it. i'm a horse, or maybe a rabbit." and everyone just assumed he was insane.) but the captain let him keep the key, up until he realized just how far some of the pirates would go to get it, and that the boy was in danger, so he had the boy pretend to give it to him, since that was really the only thing that matters -- what everyone else thought. the captain's capacity to trust the boy and his willingness to protect him were both pretty touching sometimes, but he was still a bit of a bastard. thus the line, "no, where i go, you go. when i lead, you follow. except when it's over a cliff and down what looks like a twisting waterfall. then ... *kick* you can lead." the boy was pretty jazzed about the whole thing, since it was an exciting adventure, to the point where the other pirates wondered if he might've been a little mentally unstable. he was a captive, dammit, he should be terrified. but they also figured the captain was increasingly mentally unstable every second he spent on this planet, and thus the two were made for each other. (later on, one pirate was explaining to another that the captain, like all foolish men do, had gone and fallen in love ... not with anyone in particular, but with the world, the journey, the time he'd spent with the boy ... and what were they supposed to do about it?) other characters included a buxom, pink-haired member of the captain's crew who liked to use dart guns to make her points, had a peculiar, deadpan sense of humor, and sometimes complained about not having a boyfriend; a blue-haired pirate about the same age as a boy, who was rather sullen and short-tempered and had had a terribly messy room, but used to be his ship's pilot and technician and was frustrated by his lack of knowledge when it came to water-ships; then an android, with wide eyes and a perpetually dazed expression, who was an extension of the ship's computer and had all the data on the treasure map, though she'd periodically malfunction and start to space out, reciting random poetry and galactic history, and driving anyone crazy. "we're relying on that?" i love it when my dreams tell stories ^_^ i think the concept of space pirates being forced to make the stereotypical journey over water and having no clue about it is particularly adorable, don't you? the only bad thing about dream-stories is i never see the end of them ... () 10.26.2004
okay, the way i figure it is (and the way i figure might not have anything to do with what actually is -- in fact, i'm pretty sure it doesn't) is that elementary school is cute, but tiny. middle school is tiny, btu ugly. high school isn't tiny, but it's definitely small, and more than a little ugly.
but college -- this college -- is huge, and beautiful. i can't wait to graduate, ominous exams and all, just so i can go there. i'm also amused by how all the stuff scribbled around campus in chalk looked like grafitti, but it was all either educational or intriguing. poem someone wrote on the wall -- "just as it is / is just as well / you just never know / you never can tell ..." () 9.17.2004
and so she tossed and turned and dozed, sacrificing time and sleep to a blinking, beeping idol.
(i have weird thoughts when i'm half-asleep and arguing with the alarm clock.) () 9.13.2004
an experiment.
it was snowing when he made it out into the world. he remembered that. underground, he imagined the world as it never was -- skies so blue they could blind you, trees so green with leaves so bright, throwing back the sun like glittering jade cradled in twisted, copper branches. meadows, even, and the birds singing. he'd never been in a meadow, but that didn't make any difference. he could imagine it -- perfect, and peaceful, and still, the kind of place were fairies dashed in, out, of the trembling grass, and goddesses danced with the wind. it was only how he imagined it. he'd never imagine this. it was perfect, and peaceful, and still. flakes twirled down and spun past, a dim, desperate flurry of white and white and white. the trees were bare, the streets were empty, and no bird sang. he had a thought, that the snow was really ash, and this way the way the world looks after Illusion's burnt away. () 9.07.2004
9.02.2004
i think my backpack is becoming a metaphor for the burdens of my life. that or it's just really heavy.
damn, i need a locker that's not all the way on the other side of the school ... a symbolic locker of temporary and ultimately pointless relief, that's not all the way on the other side of time. (XP) ()
"it's like life has all these moments of bliss, and then it crashes right back down again ... i think it's called 'school' and 'afterschool' ..."
- schoolfriend kevin chu, musing on the nature of existence XP () 8.31.2004
i think, in the absence of any one definition, you make your own symbols -- and that's when they work.
() .qualifications of a werewolf. always, always, every moment, every moon, you must be prepared to change, or die. (there is nothing else to say. nothing else important.) ()
once again, don't ask. it's not even a snippet -- it's a pointless little fragment of a pointless little conversation that struck me a few mornings ago. a bit of wreck before he was a wreck. y'know. (though y'prob'ly don't.)
vague, disconnected laughter, "this is a dream." "how do you know?" "it can't be real." "it can't?" "it's not." a low growl of a chuckle, "how do you know?" a shudder, "... i don't." "maybe everything else is a dream." gentle, lilting, a purr of a growl, "maybe i'm real, and i'm only here to wake you up ..." attacking with a teasing smirk, "how would you know?" counters with a sharp grin, "i'm real, aren't i?" "maybe you're not." in a laugh, "maybe you're only dreaming you're real. maybe there's no one reality at all. all reality is reality, dreaming or awake ..." "... isn't that how a madman thinks?" "maybe the madmen are right." "what do you know about madness?" "i don't." innocent smile, "what do you?" "a wolf's whole body twitches when it sleeps. every nerve fires in a dream. but men only believe what they see -- the world revolves behind shut eyes ..." laughter breathless, "... so which is more mad ...?" a shy, sly whisper, "wolves or men ...?" "neither. that's the way a madman thinks." "maybe ..." distracted, "maybe i'm a little mad, then ...?" chuckle, "maybe." a yelp of pain. "... hey ... wait ..." the moonlight whispers ... "... rui ..." all confidence dissolving in a helpless whimper, "... wait ... rui ... hey, hold up, rui, that hurts ..." growl growing, rumbling deep, "time to wake up ..." and then the scream -- and then the silence. (... time to wake up.) () 8.27.2004
an odd little hemlock-song.
spinning trees dancing leaves trembling flame lonely game another day another name only connect the prose and the passion only connect only connect spinning stars dancing sky memories bloom moments die the what the when the how the why only connect only connect tumbling flame it's a lonely game the prose and the passion only connect dark of night blazing light the street the sign the sound the sight touch and kiss hit and miss the prose the passion disconnect shooting stars falling leaves broken clocks ticking dreams rhythm, rhyme falling time only connect empty street only connect silent feet only connect ruptured dance only connect lost to chance only connect blazing light only connect dark of night another day another name another flame just a game only connect only connect only connect only connect only connect only connect only connect connect connect .... both the beast and the monk shall die. () 8.23.2004
y'know, i find i play the devil's advocate a lot, without really meaning to -- just because i'm there, and just because there needs to be one. it's not that i like to argue, but sometimes y'need to, and sometimes it's fun. helps people think a little bit more, even if they completely disagree, and honestly, you do, too.
()
· narcissus claims that the world is absolutely relative -- cyprian is sure the world is relatively absolute. (cyprian doesn't claim, just glares.)
()
some random notes on two well-loved characters i needed to store somewhere -- never mind 'em.
NAME. Narcissus MEANING. a myth and a flower NATURE. lion ROLE. the Hanged Man · a kind of prince charming, carelessly charismatic and charismatically careless, quick to a smirk and a theatric bow. · not just a pretty face -- has a sharp, clever mind, surprising depth and intellect and a passion for philosophy -- but finds it easier just to play the pretty face. a fan of socratic irony, feigns ignorance to learn more. takes pride in his looks, if nothing else. · self-centered, something of a solipsist. · lazy as anything. can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. sleeps often. never runs when he can walk, and never walks when he can just lie down. might be called dashing, but doesn't dash -- slouches with style. enjoys idle, aimless days and cloud-gazing. · not much of a leader. abhors responsibility. · jaded optimist, hopeful cynic, flirts with idealism and believes in true friendship. doesn't believe in truth, per se, so has no problem lying. pretending. whatever you want to call it. · beauty is truth, even when it's a beautiful lie. · constructs elaborate moral codes on whim, and oddly enough, upholds them. wants to believe in something -- if that fails, wants to be believed in. · can be quite chivalrous, when it occurs to him, particularly in the presence of a lovely young lady. enjoys the rules of etiquette and courtship like one appreciates the rules of a good game. well aware of the roles he must play -- does that make him manipulative? · careful with his image, always leaves himself open to a possibility. · full of flowery prose and poetic puns one moment, casually coarse the next. will mercilessly abuse language and logic in the name of a moment's amusement. · sees more in the gesture than the meaning, and more in the meaning than the fact. reality is always a little shaky. · the hopeless hedonist. his favorite vices are sloth and vanity, closely followed by lust. loves white wine and witty banter. · dislikes violence and ugliness. shows hatred with sunny smiles and insults in the guise of compliments. · laidback, but overdoes it. good-humored, but ... overdoes it. easily accused of not taking things seriously. · a lover, a dreamer, and a true showman. appreciates the new and dramatic. fond of small sleight-of-hand tricks and like all magicians, guards his secrets. loves to tease and distract, dazzle and confuse. wouldn't know how not to flirt. · a trained duellist, and a decent punch. · a gracious dancer, and a rich, romantic singing voice. · has never had to cook for himself, and is ridiculously bad it. you don't even want to know. · such a git. totally and utterly. · people sometimes remember that a sweet, shy child he was and wonder what happened. he guards his secrets. · uncomfortable alone. sometimes afraid of the dark. NAME. Cyprian MEANING. a prostitute or a saint NATURE. cougar ROLE. the Page of Swords · easy to overlook, and that's fine with him. hard to get know, and that's fine with him. · usually quiet, still, waiting for his moment. always watches but rarely speaks. serious, pragmatic, and a little cold. not the most social of creatures. · considers self-reliance a virtue. hates being sick. · doesn't like to deal with people, but knows how to hold a grudge. has a sense of loyalty that can be mistaken for sheer stubbornness. (it often is.) · his kindness comes understated. never boasts, never complain, and is sparing at best with praise or sympathy, affluent with apt criticism. · actions always speak truer than words. what you say is never as vital, valuable, meaningful, as what you end up doing. pay attention the simple gestures. looking after someone he cares about is as natural as breathing, and as likely to go unnoticed. but that's fine with him. · avoids drawn-out, emotional displays. private things should stay private -- resents nothing more than a meddler. hates to overexplain. can be painfully blunt and direct, or tersely sarcastic. takes things very literally. · usually subtle, painfully subtle. · has a peculiar, flat sense of humor that takes a while to get, and usually isn't funny. · frightening when he needs to be. intense. · sensible, but not always intelligent. practical -- won't ask, "is it right? is it wise?" but "does it work?" won't put up with bullshit. will do whatever he has to, whatever that means. · a bit of a paranoid control freak. a lot of a paranoid control freak. likes to know, just in case, would rather be called cautious. doesn't like to be touched, blushes easily. · a light sleeper, always alert. doesn't dream. · appreciates boundaries and traditions. adapts quickly. · naively materialistic. · doesn't like chocolate, or amusement park rides. · prone to prejudice, but rarely lets it get in the way. wary around women, but also wary around wide, empty spaces and free food. doesn't walk into a room without a quick check for exits and makeshift weapons. · once upon a time, he was only wary of things, circumstances beyond anyone's control. it took certain scars for him to learn to be wary of other people. · could never be a leader. anyone walking behind him only makes him nervous. · long-suffering. has remarkable self-control, but forgets how young he is. adorably awkward underneath all the sullen ferocity. · has a bit of a temper. not as calm as he tries to seem. not adept at handling strong emotions, the instincts he survives on crash in personal matters. (secretly) wants and values trust, but settles for trust in small increments. · a proud and solitary hunter, and an excellent cook. () 8.16.2004
8.14.2004
because we're all so disconnected -- a man can die on the subway and no one even notices, millions can die in rwanda and people forget where that is, and in all the endless universe neither really matters -- and even if you connect with a taxi-driver for one night, for a few rounds of idle, aimless conversation as you add a few more to the dead, even if you shoot him before the night's through, it's still a connection. and it's better than driving alone.
the music isn't even music, and the best you can do is improvise. collateral was a good movie. () 8.13.2004
() 8.12.2004
fatalism is accepting whatever will be, will be.
optimism is hoping whatever will be, will be for the best. () 8.10.2004
i'm so tired. i feel like i'm meant to be someone other than i am. no, i don't know what that means. wish i could tell you. i tried sleeping, and it worked, for a while, but life's not s'posed to make that kind of sense. i don't think i was ever really even asleep. i thought i was. i kind of want another cup of tea right now. and nice, fluffy pancakes sprinkled with powdered sugar. strawberries, maybe. or bananas.
i don't want to go back to school ... y'know, there's this little baby moth perched on the monitor, and he's actually kinda cute. too bad he's going to grow up to be a vicious and terrible monster. or die in thirty minutes, i forget how long their life spans are. i'm so tired. all of my sins are mine / so that talk never feels she's entitled / i feel like my words have died / under the heel of time / oh, but what they don't know / this thing is still leading me on / over the wall ... i guess a little tea couldn't hurt. () 8.05.2004
Adream8161: *hums* () 8.03.2004
"so are you gonna get lost?"
"inevitably." "i meant on the bus, not in life." - on the directions home () 7.15.2004
7.12.2004
"There must be some way out of here," said the joker to the thief, i like this song. or at least, i like the lyrics. they remind me of something ... or something. also, my head really hurts. () 7.01.2004
6.20.2004
huh. i've come to the realization that narcissus actually knows what he's doing. and cyprian doesn't.
... no matter how i type it, it still sounds so wrong. () 6.18.2004
(don't ask me, i don't know.)
it's cold and dark and late tonight and not even the blaring white of hospital walls can help him. if anything, white makes it worse -- it makes the dark seem darker. the shadows seem stranger and the space seems stronger and the light too much like moonlight, but there isn't any light. but there's nothing left but moonlight. he doesn't mind the cold. and there's really nothing left to say. a bundle of wildflowers, daisies and dandelions, primrose and purple hyacinth, and a little blue blossom he can never remember the name of. a ribbon that would be stained with blood, if there was any blood. there wasn't any blood. there wasn't much of anything, really -- daisies and dandelions and primrose ... sometimes it hurts to breathe. it was all a gift for her. she breathes soft and sweet and slow tonight -- she's sleeping. the world, the world is sleeping. wires float like ribbons in her hair. there's no poetry to it. no art to sitting in a house that's sinking slowly, no justice, but then, there never is. there are no promises here. candy cigarettes he bought when he was ten. a book he read and never finished. the puzzles you put together only to take apart and toss aside for another rainy day. a broken music box with a ballerina who keeps turning, and turning, and turning ... it's better not to breathe. there ought to be some poetry to it. empty attempts at sacrifice, idle stabs at vengeance. promises kept and promises broken and promises never made. when the water pours, it's just like rain, and you know, the rain is just like tears ... don't the hyacinths look like they're weeping? he has a smile like shattered glass, the kind you'll cut yourself on if your not careful. the world is a broken music box that keeps turning, and turning, and turning ... i don't believe in endings. flame flickers in front of him and the fact that it could burn them all just makes it more beautiful. but there's no poetry in it. not really. "you know, i think i'd like to die," he said. and there's nothing left to say. not really. () 6.10.2004
6.07.2004
6.06.2004
why-why-why doesn't nara have more polly pictures scanned up? or any pictures of pollux? i need to make a pollux-polly wallpaper with this song. i just do XP (i just think of a certain fickle mortal chick pollux loved before serafina for the first verse, and substitute 'petticoats' for 'hot pants.' it's perfect!)
() 6.04.2004
random picture ideas. twill's a weird kid.
hero (reverse calligramme) - a peculiar half-view twill, a boy of 14 -- 15 -- maybe even 16 -- small and strangely delicate, with wide eyes like mirrors looking for something to reflect, long, awkward limbs dangling like a rag doll's, a quiet confidence and a quieter vulnerability. his skin is the color of gold dust and chocolate, and his hair is a dark shadow falling and flying over his face as if at the whim of some unlikely breeze. decked out in monochrome -- a white tee-shirt full of straight black lines criss-crossing into a tilted labyrinth, under a short black jacket with a pair of open buckles hanging at the collar. chains spin off the belt loops of black jeans, ending in little white pearls, and a length of black string unravels at his wrists. his hands are buried deep in his pockets. the background is split into five panels -- the top left an abstract and highly stylized and image of an apple hanging in a tree amidst whirling leaves and clouds in a clear blue sky -- the bottom right the shadow of a hand stretching out across a sky now swirling shades of indigo and flooded with flickering stars -- the top right, a strong, simple question mark in sea of tinier, quirkier ones -- the bottom left, the word "twill" written over and over, sometimes smooth and elegant, sometimes scratchy and sporadic -- the center is a circle cut out like a window, looking into yet another labyrinth. lorem ipsum (a perfectly windy sky) - a childish, sketchy sort of sideview of twill, in tattered shorts and a black hoodie with stars on the sleeve, holding a string that trails up like a kite, a paper dragon hovering at the end, in colors and details more vivid and real than twill himself. he gazes up, fascinated, whimsical and a little melancholy. nobody's fool (card zero) - twill standing with one foot off a cliff and no sign of fear or hesitation, looking up at the sky, the clouds all around him. dressed just in jeans ripped and patched with frayed ribbons, some tied into beads, some shaped like stars or shells or mysterious spirals. one dragon-wing stretches out from his back and curves in behind him, and on the other side, on a pole on his shoulder, a simple vagabond's bag embroidered with puzzle pieces comes undone, fireflies dancing in its wake. his other hand idly clutches the stem of a single white rose, hanging at his side. maybe i should try one. () 5.28.2004
narcissus and cyprian are playing a game -- an odd little game on a board of black and white, with small pieces twisting up into strange shapes, bizarre yet familiar. narcissus leans on the table, head slumped into folded arms. cyprian sits straight up, tense and aware, intent on the puzzle before him.
"i just figured something out," cyprian says, finger touching upon a piece, considering his next move. "mm." narcissus doesn't lift his head. "that right?" "it's a word," cyprian decides, lifting the piece. "i've never been too crazy over words. some people'll spend hours just talking, talking, talking about nothing. talking about talking. just throwing around words like pretty patterns in the air, but -- without the words, there's nothing. nothing you can see, nothing you can touch, nothing you can know ... what's the point of making patterns in the air?" "that's called 'philosophy.'" "right. i've never been too crazy over it. but --" he tilts the piece, looking through it and beyond it. "i figured something out. i figured it out in a word." "nice introduction," drawls narcissus. "but where's the main event?" cyprian glares. "be serious." the slightest smirk lifts narcisuss's lips. "never." "it's this thing with you and that sparrow kid," cyprian goes on, ignoring him. "i couldn't figure it out. what you were doing with him, even though he's not anywhere around your usual standards. what he was doing with you, even though he knows you're a lying bastard." "i don't lie." narcissus lifts his head, just a little, a sharp glint in soft eyes. "actors never lie," he said with a smile. "actors do nothing but lie." cyprian rolls his eyes. "don't change the subject. you're always changing the subject." chuckling, narcissus turns his head. "if i didn't know any better, i'd say you were jealous." and cyprian turns the piece through his hands. "but you know better," he says. "and i know you too well. you don't really think i'm interested in you?" "i meant," says narcissus, with a dangerous deliberation, a prying smirk. "jealous because you don't have anyone." the turning stops. "you don't have anyone, either." "i have sparrow." "no. that's -- different." he seems uncertain. "you don't have him. he has you. you see what i'm saying?" brushing the hair from his eyes, narcissus looks out through spread fingers. "words, words, words ..." a sharp breath shudders from cyprian, a hint of frustration. "i mean, he's not exactly your lover. he's certainly not your friend." "why isn't he my friend?" "you don't have friends." "i have you." "i don't count," snaps cyprian. "we're practically family." narcissus laughs. "another word?" "look." cyprian stares at the board. "do you know what a pet is?" narcissus gives the smallest shrug. "does it matter?" cyprian doesn't understand, and doesn't pretend to understand. "we're wild animals. we're our own, and only our own. we don't belong to anyone, and no one belongs to us. there's no one we have to answer to -- the only rules we have to follow are the rules of nature --" "and the rules of the hierarchy, of course." a bitter tinge colors a casual voice. "the pride's not something to answer to? the king?" "... that's natural, too." cyprian glares. "but that's not my point." "because that's social," says in the same tone used to humor a child. "you're talking on a personal level. am i right? but what's the difference?" "i know what i'm talking about. don't try and confuse me with words. the pride's something you're a part of. the king's someone who rules over that pride. but they don't own you." "i'm not sure if i believe you." "because you're a fool." narcissus gives a little laugh. "but a beautiful fool?" "you're always changing the subject. look. i knew what i was talking about. you were a wild animal before, because no one owned you before. you could survive by yourself. when it came right down to it, you could make your own living, find your own shelter, catch your own food. but a pet, a pet is an animal that belongs to someone. can you understand that? a pet could try to survive on its own, but it doesn't -- a pet has someone else to take care of him, someone to give him shelter and food, scratch him behind the ears and call him a good boy... and maybe every once in a while he gets let outside or taken on a walk, but at the end of the day, he always has someone to answer to. someone to depend on. someone to call master. and in return for shelter and food and attention, the master gets to be a little less alone at night. do you understand what i'm talking about?" a slow, steady smirk spreads across narcissus's lips. "does it matter?" cyprian sighs. "you're not exactly his lover. you're definitely not his friend." slowly, steadily, the piece comes down. "you used to be a lion -- now you're just a common housecat." "mm." lazily reaching towards the board, narcissus moves a piece without a moment's hesitation. "check." "... what?" "you were never any good at metaphors." ~ if writing can be compared to drawing, that was a quick computer sketch, without much regard to anatomy or proportions. it's also just a little snapshot out of musespace, not related to zorizko or that-other-story. i like working with dualities. serafine-caden, caritas-sperantia, byakko-seiryuu ... y'know. it makes for interesting dialogue. i found it easier to write narcissus-cyprian once i realized they can be on very different wavelengths, and the edges of their conversations don't always match up -- but i really stumbled over the pseudo-socio-political stuff. damn you, narcissus. i didn't want to go that deep. just so y'know, i don't necessarily believe a thing my characters say. but he really was trying to confuse cyprian. he was really trying to change the subject. he was trying hard. i guess he knew what cyp was going to say. cyprian has a very pragmatic view of what it means to be an individual, doesn't he? and even though he's a narcissist, i don't think narc's tragic flaw is hubris ... ... damn philosophy and literature obsession ... () 5.27.2004
a question i got on a random standardized math test --
how many zevs in 11 zorks if there are 3 zevs in 5 zucks and 2 zucks in 1 zork? ... in case you ever needed proof that logic and mathematics are fundamentally nonsensical. no wonder the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42. ()
untitled
splashdown - dig - (twill theme: he'll find the answers no matter how deep he has to dig) - "i drew a sound from the belly of the well / i've loosened my grip on the rope that pulls the water pail / i threw a quarter down / i'm gonna dive down after it / i hope that truth of soul was right to say there isn't a bottom to hit, / 'cause if there is, then throw a shovel down / to let the world come in as an easy fit / i'm gonna dig, dig, dig / i'm gonna dig, dig, dig ..." enya - anywhere is - (twill theme ii: on the life he lost and the life that lies ahead) - "the moon upon the ocean / is swept around in motion / but without ever knowing / the reason for its flowing / in motion on the ocean / the moon still keeps on moving / the waves still keep on waving / and i still keep on going / i wonder if the stars sign / the life that is to be mine / and would they let their light shine / enough for me to follow / i look up to the heavens / but night has clouded over / no spark of constellation / no vela no orion ..." splashdown - mayan pilot - (tsuris theme: the only thing i want from you) - "yeah, i refuse to fade into the grey of something trite / i'd give a lot of precious things to see you taking flight / the sand inside my glass is running thirty past the hour / i'd give a lot of precious things to have your simple power / oh, if we meet, be brave, be brave, / the mayan pilot needs no aeroplane ..." splashdown - the archer - (twill-tsuris theme: when they're playing questions) - "comfort is only imagined / hunters are circling the skyline / which direction will you send your arrow? / mercy is still asking questions / ruthless has gone and explained / have mercy, archer / hunger, it's just you and i alone / i'm guessing targets / take aim and show me what you know / i do, i do, i do, i do, i ... / i feel so elated / would you, would you, would you, would you, / please bring me joy ...?" concrete blonde - sky is a poisonous garden - (narcissus theme: the night is for lovers, and dreamers) - "he said, sun don’t rise / he said sun don’t shine / he said don’t bring tomorrow / to justify tonight / the moon is full -- the stars are bright / and the sky is a poisonous garden / tonight ..." queens of the stone age - no one knows - (narcissus theme ii: because he's still the hanged man) - "i journey through the desert / of the mind / with no hope / i follow / i drift along the ocean / dead lifeboats / in the sun / they come undone / pleasantly caving in / i come undone ..." goo goo dolls - dizzy - (narcissus theme iii: what it says) - "you're cynical and beautiful / you always make a scene / you're monochrome delirious / you're nothing that you seem / i'm drowning in your vanity / your laugh is a disease / you're dirty and you're sweet / you know you're everything i need ..." depeche mode - useless - (cyprian-narcissus theme: cyprian's frustration) - "all my useless advice / all my hanging around / all your cutting down to size / all my bringing you down / watch the clock on the wall / feel the slowing of time / hear a voice in the hall / echoing in my mind / all your stupid ideals / you've got your head in the clouds / you should see how it feels / with your feet on the ground ..." splashdown - beguiled - (pyrexia theme: the song of a serpent) - "beguiled i've wiled you laughing / you can hide your sins but not from me / beguiled i've wiled you laughing / i'm laughing / apples / would you like one? / like the ones i've brought you time and time again ..." sting - desert rose - (pyrexia theme ii: stuck in the remnants of eden) - "this desert rose / each of her veils, a secret promise / this desert flower / no sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this / and as she turns / this way she moves in the logic of all my dreams / this fire burns / i realize that nothing's as it seems ..." garbage - queer - (pyrexia-narcissus theme: sometimes she's a mirror) - "hey boy, take a look at me / let me dirty up your mind / i'll strip away your hard veneer / and see what i can find / the queerest of the queer / the strangest of the strange / the coldest of the cool / the lamest of the lame / the numbest of the dumb / i hate to see you here / you choke behind a smile / a fake behind the fear ..." poe - hey pretty - (pyrexia-twill theme: and sometimes so is he) - "well i've got a mind full of wicked designs / i've got a non-stop hole in my head / imagination / i can't forget i am a sole architect / i built the shadows here / i built the growl in the voice i fear / you know me now but to do better than that / you've got to follow me / boy, i'm trying to show you where I'm at ..." coldplay - god put a smile on my face - (brio theme: faith and the charming shaman) - "where do we go nobody knows / don't ever say you're on your way down / when god gave you style and gave you grace / and put a smile upon your face ..." u2 - in god's country - (theme i: beginning) - "set me alight / we'll punch a hole right through the night / every day the dreamers die / to see what's on the other side ..." october project - a lonely voice - (theme ii: end) - "i keep looking back / a lifetime back / across the desert / in a desert where no one can explain / you tell me god is dancing in the rain ..." enya - caribbean blue - (sky theme i: believe what you see) - "so the world goes round and round / with all you ever knew / they say the sky high above / is caribbean blue ... / if every man says all he can, / if every man is true, / do i believe the sky above / is caribbean blue ...?" enya - paint the sky with stars - (sky theme ii: see what you believe) - "night has brought to those who sleep / only dreams they cannot keep / i have legends in the deep / paint the sky with stars ..." sui generis kotani kinya - smashing blue - (main theme) - "drama's preparations / the fake moon / the storyteller ..." savage garden - crash and burn - (caden theme compassion) - "if you need to fall apart / i can mend a broken heart / if you need to crash then crash and burn / you're not alone / because there has always been heartache and pain / and when it's over you'll breathe again / you'll breathe again ..." splashdown - paradox - (caden theme philosophy) - "if 'every opposition carries within it the seeds of agreement' / then 'the brighter your virtue the higher you'll rise' ..." jewel - innocence maintained - (caden theme ideals and secrets) - "we've made houses for hatred / it's time to make a place / where people's souls may be seen and made safe / be careful with each other / these fragile flames / for innocence can't be lost / it just needs to be maintained ..." delerium - duende - (caden theme secrets and ideals) - "bleak desolation / in a beam of sun / scraping as i crawl / (your-heart-can't-hear-me) / tearing bruising fall / (your-hands-can't-hear-me) / thirsting raging blind / (your-eyes-can't-hear-me) / racing against time / (your-arms-can't-hear-me) / like an angel you'll come / in a dream, precious one / make me beautifully numb ..." george michael - father figure - (caden in love) - "if you are the desert, i'll be the sea / if you ever hunger -- hunger for me / whatever you ask for, that's what i'll be / so when you remember the ones that have lied / who said that they cared / then laughed as you cried / beautiful darling, don't think of me / because all i ever wanted / it's in your eyes, baby ..." yoko kanno - gotta knock a little harder - (serafina theme lockedlife) - "happiness is just a word to me / and it might have meant a thing or two / if i'd known the difference / emptiness, a lonely parody / and my life, another smokin' gun / a sign of my indifference / always keepin' safe inside / where no one ever had a chance / to penetrate a break in / let me tell you some have tried / but i would slam the door so tight / that they could never get in ..." radiohead - street spirit - (serafina theme lostfear) - "all these things into fruition / all these things we’ll one day swallow whole / and fade out again and fade out again ..." garbage - only happy when it rains - (serafina theme pour your misery) - "i only smile in the dark / my only comfort is the night gone black / i didn’t accidentally tell you that / i’m only happy when it rains / you’ll get the message by the time i’m through / when i complain about me and you / i’m only happy when it rains ..." franka potente - believe - (serafina theme determination) - "i don't believe in trouble / i don't believe in pain / i don't believe there's nothing left / but running here again / i don't believe in promise / i don't believe in chance / i don't believe you can resist / the things that make no sense ..." savage garden - to the moon and back - (serafina in love) - "she can't remember a time when she felt needed / if love was red then she was color blind / all her friends they've been tried for treason / and crimes that were never defined / she's saying, 'love is like a barren place, / and reaching out for human faith / is like a journey i just don't have a map for' / so baby's gonna take a dive and / push the shift to overdrive / send a signal that she's hanging / all her hopes on the stars / what a pleasant dream ..." kill hannah - i wanna be a kennedy - (reve theme destructive dreamer) - "i wanna be a kennedy / i wanna be tall and handsome / i'd conquer the world / and you'd see me on television / if i could be a kennedy / if i could be a big heartbreaker / i'd watch you crash into my arms / with the stars under the barrel of a gun / we die young ..." h.i.m. - soul on fire - (reve theme vampire serenade) - "there's a flame that leads our souls astray / no one's safe from its tender touch of pain / and every day it's looking for new slaves / to celebrate the beauty of the grave / we are like the living dead / sacrificing all we have / for a frozen heart and a soul on fire ..." u2 - where the streets have no name - (reve theme escape) - "i want to run / i want to hide / i want to tear down the walls / that hold me inside / i want to reach out / and touch the flame / where the streets have no name ... tears for fears - everybody wants to rule the world - (reve theme one wish) - "all for freedom and for pleasure / nothing ever lasts forever / everybody wants to rule the world ..." fountains of wayne - mexican wine - (wreck theme bizarre nonchalance) - "because the sun still shines in the summer time / i'll be yours if you'll be mine / i tried to change, but i changed my mind / think i'll have another glass of mexican wine / think i'll have another glass of mexican wine / won't you have another glass of mexican wine ...?" yoko kanno - butterfly - (wreck theme untouchable) - "you're a love song / only half-way sung / you're the knot that comes undone / you're the daylight / dressed as darkest night / the flight of a stringless kite / the very vision / the mirage man ..." smash mouth - then the morning comes - (wreck theme wreckless) - "paint the town / take a bow / thank everybody / you're gonna do it again / you are the few / the proud / the antibody / mind, soul and zen / and the world's a stage / and the world's a faze / and the end is near / so push rewind / just in time / thank anybody / you're gonna do it again ..." goo goo dolls - full forever - (wreck theme rubicon) - "and i've gone underground / obsessions i have found / couldn't make it back again / why can't the moon stay full forever? / wednesday's bad but friday ain't much better ..." toad the wet sprocket - windmills - (wreck-caden theme idealists) -"i spend too much time raiding windmills / we go side by side laugh until it's right / there's something that you won't show / waiting where the light goes / take the darkest hour break it open / water to repair what we have broken / there's something that you won't show / waiting where the light goes / and anyway the wind blows ..." j.a. seazer - the oceanic moon dies in indigo - (wreck theme thought) - "nostalgic, natural meditation / metaphysical sensation / all things in nature, a meditation on creation / late at night, the moon in the sea ..." goo goo dolls - we are the normal - (another wreck theme) - "it's a beautiful day / i heard everybody say / the sun shines down for all of us / just the same / you know i like the rain / that ain't so obvious / it's a beautiful sight / i guess everybody's right / this day belongs to all of us / even still / i like it with a chill / that ain't so obvious / we are the normal / we live and we die / with no reason why / it's a beautiful life / and i've got it in my sights / and that ain't for all of us ..." splashdown - lost frontier - (wreck theme the end) - "good luck, hope you find your lost frontier / yeah, the sun will be blinding bright this year / if the rings that i run were lines, just imagine how much farther i could be ..." zorizko sarah mclachlan - adia - "i pull you from your tower / i take away your pain / and show you all the beauty you possess / if you’d only let yourself believe that / we are born innocent / we are still innocent / we all falter / does it matter...?" u2 - beautiful day - "the heart is a bloom / shoots up through the stony ground ..." enigma - beyond the invisible - "close your eyes / just feel and realize / it is real and not a dream / i’m in you and you’re in me / it is time / to break the chains of life / if you follow you will see / what’s beyond reality ..." dishwalla - counting blue cars - "must of been late afternoon / on our way the sun broke free of the clouds / we count only blue cars / skip the cracks, in the street / and ask many questions / like children often do / we said, / tell me all your thoughts on god / 'cause i would really like to meet her / and ask her why we're who we are / tell me all your thoughts on god, / cause i am on my way to see her / so tell me am i very far -- / am i very far now ...?" delerium - daylight - "if you can believe you're turning all the world that broke your mind / then i can do something for you even though you're lost in time / you won't have to be my heaven i won't have to be your friend / daylight daylight comes every time it's calling / daylight daylight it goes away again / now / don't let go of your heart / don't let go / don't you know who you are? / don't let go / don't let go of your heart ..." splashdown - halfworld - "some are pixie led through the forest / where the time passes slow / you've forgotten to turn your coat, and now you're growing old / and reason is spinning itself into gold / and all time is frozen once reason's been sold ..." stevie nicks - landslide - "oh, mirror in the sky / what is love? / can the child within my heart rise above? / can i sail through the changing ocean tides? / can i handle the seasons of my life? / well, i've been afraid of changing / 'cause i've built my life around you / but time makes you get bolder / even children get older / and i'm getting older, too ..." enigma - return to innocence - "don’t be afraid to be weak / don’t be too proud to be strong / just look into your heart my friend / that will be the return to yourself / the return to innocence / if you want, then start to laugh / if you must, then start to cry / be yourself / don’t hide / just believe in destiny ..." yuki kajiura - secret game - "no more pain / no memories remain / now you can play with me ..." erasure - so the story goes - "i close my eyes / to the sound of the sky and i see it / birds in the trees and pastures green / nothing to do / with the time or the place / i perceive it / the rush of the sea beneath my feet / such a lovely world / oh so magical / precious like a pearl / wrapped up in a shell / build your house of stone / on a bed of sand / time and tide will rise / washing through your hands ..." enya - the memory of trees - ~ okay, i'm gonna explain the point to this in a minute ... ... okay, there is none :3 just some of my random, story-related playlists i'm putting together. 'cos music's an odd and inspiring little thing. i so shouldn't have this much time on my hands. (the sui-generis list is mostly wreck-songs, because once something like a plot picks up, it really is all about him. plus he sorta embodies the sui-generis spirit. yes, there is a sui-generis spirit.) () 5.24.2004
ah, my mood's picking up again. it's prob'ly going to crash back down again come tomorrow, but dammit, the stark vicissitudes of life are what make this planet so engaging. or maybe it's all those flavors of ice cream.
it's gotta be the ice cream. in later news, gaussian blurs and special brushes are a girl's best friend. ()
hee. it's funny how many of my posts start with the letter 'i.' but it's natural, isn't it? after all, i made this place. this blog. this little corner of webspace where it's all about me ... :3
and you doubt my godliness? ;P () i've been waiting for you / i'm tired of roaming / please help me keep my lantern glowing ... i want to draw a hemlock-picture to this. ()
i suddenly just really want someone to hold me in their arms and stroke my hair and tell me everything's gonna be all right. maybe that's cliche, but ... i don't really care right now. life is a cliche.
and i just want what i want. () 5.21.2004
for any inquiring minds who'd like to know, me 'n' nara now have a join account up at deviant art -- not a whole lot of mine is up there yet, but there are one or two (or three!) things that i'm proud of.
and most of the descriptions for our alice-in-wonderland series are now in the scraps section, for convenience's sake ^_^ i love writing those ... there are still quite a few for me to do, but that's part of the fun, y'know? () 5.17.2004
i figure things out in bursts of personality. the characters are my favorite part of a story, and sometimes characters are landscapes.
and sometimes landscapes are reveries ... ()
i love this song. just the way the music rises as it falls, careless and exotic, like a dance at a festival -- and the way the chorus coyly asks, sliding in like a secret, soft and sweet and dangerous, is nightshade a food or a poison? do you follow my reason? is reason important?
porque manyana a lo me hor ay un entierro ... it's telling this strange, enigmatic story that i want to find the words to finish, but i think they're the words only heard in dreams. where it leads only heaven knows -- so persuasive and silent -- like the oceans of vertigo ... ()
i see an orchid
shy and mysterious and in her the world i feel the sun-beat flickering in over rain and from it the world i hear flies stumbling death a mouse on the pavement and that was the world. ... don't ask. ()
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